Dealing with Difficult People in the Workplace

Difficult people and difficult behaviors come in all varieties. You’ve seen them, and maybe have heard others put labels on them. They are the bullies, the naysayers, the complainers, the know-it-alls, the agreeable but undependable. Given the right conditions, we all have some of these tendencies in our work relationships. So what do you do when you encounter them? The most important thing to realize is that most people who consistently exhibit these kinds of behaviors are coming from their negative side instead of from a conscious desire to be difficult. They are often unaware of how they affect others. And that is where the solution lies. This article will look at how to deal with such behaviors compassionately, in a way that deals with the issue but preserves the relationship.

When dealing with troublesome behavior in others, there are some obvious options: 1) get the person fired, 2) let it go, ignore them, or 3) quit or transfer someplace else. Each of these options carries its own set of troubles. It’s not easy to fire someone, nor is it easy to convince someone else to do so. If you try to ignore what’s going on, it may take an emotional toll on you as resentments build up. And in this economy, leaving a present position is usually not an option and even if it is, there are costs both monetary and emotional.

There is another way, but it involves courage and trust. That way is to hold a learning conversation with the person. It is called a learning conversation because the object is for both people to learn more about the other. You both walk away with new insights, perspectives, and oftentimes, new behaviors. The conversation can be conducted one on one, or with a neutral third person facilitator or mediator.

In a learning conversation, the issue is separated out from the relationship, but both are equally important. If there is an issue to be resolved, decide together how to define the issue. Is the report late? Is it defective in some way? Is there a persistent issue in the workplace that needs to be addressed and is not getting addressed? These are some of the issues that cause difficult behaviors between people. So where do you start?

Start with “I messages” such as “I saw, heard, or observed”. Then describe your feelings and make a request for a different behavior. Try to discover the other person’s interests and try to identify their needs. Use active listening including both feelings and facts. Put yourself in their shoes and be prepared to see it differently. Doing this will require energy and might mean that you have to keep your own emotions in check. Still, remember that to struggle to understand another person who is different than you, is natural and it has value. Try to be open, and curious. Remember that every negative personality trait has its positive and valuable sides.

In my practice as a mediator, I have, more often than not, mediated cases between workers where one person started out putting the other in a “difficult person” box. Through a learning conversation, each discovered the needs of the other. One person may have pressures they are not dealing with in a very productive way. The other may not feel acknowledged, valued or understood.

Recognize your own vulnerability to pressure and your own needs for acknowledgment. Ask questions and problem solve for how you can meet each other’s needs. Let the other person know you value them as a person. Break the self-fulfilling cycle of passivity, blaming, and powerlessness by insisting on a problem solving approach.

Dealing with difficult behaviors in other people (and even ourselves) requires courage, trust and patience. When this becomes difficult to do, engage a third person trained in facilitative mediation. The rewards will come as the tension decreases in the workplace.

Why is Generation Y so Different?

There’s a saying that goes like this: “You Raised Them, Now Manage Them” and a book by that title written by Nadira A. Hira. Its aptly named. If we want to understand the newest generation of workers in the workplace, we only need to look at what has happened to parenting and parenting styles.

How many Baby Boomers and yes, maybe even some of you older Gen Xer’s, grew up in a world where your worth was measured by the grades you got in school and by whether or not you were in the “in crowd”. It was hard to ever be “good enough”.

So, many of us, when we had our own kids, decided that what they really needed was to feel good about themselves and to be confident that they could take on the world and be anything they wanted to be. This was a laudable idea but it seemed to take on a life of its own. Self-esteem became the big buzz word. Everything anyone did for our children was with their fragile self-esteem in mind. Soccer teams for tots emphasized the specialness of every child. Everyone got a trophy at the end of the year, not just those who showed athletic promise. Children were taught that they should love themselves and that by doing so, they would learn to love others.

The backlash hit when many of these children translated the emphasis on self-esteem into a tendency to put themselves first even as they got older and entered the workforce. Although their strength may be their confidence and their ability to assert themselves, their weakness is sometimes overconfidence and a tendency to step on toes. In addition they want what they want and they want it now. Their values clash with the values of the older generation. This is not to say that all Gen Y’ers hold the same values just as all Baby Boomers don’t hold the same values. But it does highlight the differences in our upbringing and may help in our understanding of those differences when they cause conflict in the workplace.

When conflict occurs, a mediator can be the catalyst for helping the parties gain understanding and to learn to respect each others differences and make use of our differing strengths. It might not seem to make sense at first. Why would a Baby Boomer supervisor enter into mediation with his Gen Y subordinate? What is there to negotiate?

The answer is plenty. I have mediated lots of cases between supervisors and subordinates. The employee has incentive to understand what he or she needs to do and say to keep their job or to stop the constant oversight, also known as micro-management. The supervisor or employer, usually doesn’t want to start down a road of discipline. They simply want the employee to understand what their expectations are and to follow them.

By using a third party mediator, both sides can learn to understand and respect the needs of the other. Some times this is called a facilitated discussion to alleviate the expectation that the process will involve some sort of compromise. If you know someone who is not seeing eye to eye with their co-worker, boss or subordinate, tell them to try mediation.

Learning to Bridge the Generation Gap in the Workplace

Although not as obvious or often talked about as other diversity issues, generational differences can cause conflict, disruption and team dysfunction in the workplace.  By understanding, recognizing, and appreciating the differences, not only can conflict be avoided but value and opportunity can be found in utilizing generational differences to a workplace advantage.

Today’s workplace has four distinct generations working together:

• Traditionalists or Veterans (born approximately 1922–45)
• Baby Boomers (1946–60)
• Generation X (1961–80)
• Millennials or Generation Y (1981–?)

Because of generational differences, workers may clash over work ethics, acceptable work hours, or perceptions that co-workers from other generations are over- or under-reliant on technology.  This is often due to the different world events and culture, which influenced the different periods in which workers were growing up.

Traditionalists and older Baby Boomers grew up in a world where job loyalty was an expectation and work was seen as a privilege.  They were influenced by the World War II, the Korean War and by Watergate.  Baby Boomers grew up in a more chaotic era of protests over the Vietnam War and the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King.  Generations X and Y had much different influences on their lives such as high rates of divorce, Middle East wars and 9/11.  These world events, together with the icons, music and symbols of the ages, have an influence on our values and our ability to understand those who had different influences.

One Boomer said to me in a workshop that he had a high value for loyalty to his employer until he was laid off.  Now he understands why many younger workers build their resumes by working for several employers instead of just one.  Instead of gaining insights the hard way, managers and employees can learn about generational differences and how to best work with them by attending workshops where, through dialogue and facilitation, workers can learn what values each generation holds dear, how to best leverage the assets each generation brings and how to recruit and retain valuable workers by paying attention to their differing needs.

Accord & Collaboration offers workshops on “Learning to Bridge the Generation Gap in the Workplace” as well as workshops that teach people better communication skills in the workplace such as “Interdependent Communication” and “Conflict Resolution”.  Contact us for more information at dee@acdrs.net.

 

Interdependent Communication

A new study from the University of Washington says graduate programs need to teach students even more. The study found that students need to learn not just how to be scholars but how to live in the real world including how to get along with others in the workplace.

In other words, the study supports what many consultants already advise, that organizations are not things, they are patterns of interaction and that communication is interdependent.

When communication is interdependent, what one person says is heard, received and fully understood by another. If the message is not heard, there is no forward motion, if a message is not well-received, there may be conflict that stalls or moves an organization backwards. And if a message is misunderstood, conflict and chaos may result. However when communication is effective and conflicts are avoided or brought to satisfactory resolution, the organization will thrive.

Interdependent conversations, also known as learning conversations, are conversations which enhance learning about self and others. Learning conversations are empowering, but they are usually difficult conversations to hold. They may be held when a concern needs to be expressed or an expectation was not met. They might be held when constructive criticism is called for. In any event, expectations are placed up front, assumptions, if made, are checked for veracity, and all available intelligence is used without fear that certain opinions or viewpoints won’t be accepted.

People can learn how to hold a learning conversation through training by consultants in dispute resolution and through support of their organization. When conflict is high, a neutral third person in the form of a mediator can help the parties hold learning conversations. When conflict is very high and cooperation low, a conflict coach may be appropriate to help one of the parties take a learning stance, a technique that tends to de-escalate conflict and pave the way for better communication.

When individuals and organizations are interested in achieving long term goals, goals which invariably depend upon the preservation rather than destruction of relationships, communication that stresses interdependence is the only way to go. Through such communication, there can be utilization of both yours and the other’s best talents. Through interdependent communication, we can find ourselves getting along well and making a real difference in whatever work we choose to do.

Motivational Interviewing for Positive Change

by Dee Knapp

All around the country I have partnered with Ted Hunter of Sound Law Center to give talks based on the book “Motivational Interviewing”, S. Rollnick and W. Miller, Guilford Press, 2nd Ed. 2002. Rollnick and Miller, describe an evidence-based approach, used in clinical settings, to help people overcome the ambivalence that prevents them from making positive changes in their lives. My talks were focused on how to apply this technique in the workplace setting, including in workplace mediations. Although these techniques are often used in a clinical setting, one can learn from the basic principles and applications how to approach tough situations where a more directive approach is not appropriate or hasn’t worked.

Motivational interviewing is based upon four principles:

1. Express empathy–Acknowledging a person’s struggles and challenges without judgment, gives them the freedom to change. Skillful reflective listening is essential.

2. Develop discrepancy–Ambivalence is not an obstacle to change, it can actually be the catalyst to change. When a behavior comes into conflict with a deeply held value, it is usually the behavior that changes. In that way ambivalence can make change possible.

3. Roll with resistance–Reluctance to change is natural. It is important to not argue for change. Invite new perspectives but don’t impose them.

4. Support self-efficacy–A person’s belief in the possibility of change is an important motivator. Therefore when the “interviewer” has and expresses a belief in the person’s ability to change, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Motivation to change is elicited from the “interviewee”, and not imposed from without.

Although not appropriate for every situation, these techniques may be useful in the workplace to help people move out of unproductive behaviors into new ones that better serve them and the mission of the workplace. They can also be used effectively by mediators in a mediation setting, to change attitudes and behaviors, dissolve impasse and make way for successful resolution.

Don’t Negotiate, Collaborate!

Tricks, power-plays, passive-aggressive maneuvers,“getting taken”, or being played the fool, even simple misunderstandings. Yikes, no wonder people don’t like to negotiate! But negotiation doesn’t have to be this way–even if one side seems not to “play fair”–if you enter the conversation with the intent to collaborate. Here are some tips for a successful collaboration:

1. Prepare. Think ahead of time about what you really want. Think about what is realistic, maybe do some research. Talk to other people or look at articles and books. Decide why you want what you want, why it is fair and what support is out there for your position. Then think about what the other side may want, and if possible, do the same research. Finally, decide ahead of time, what is the best thing you could get elsewhere, or what your best alternatives are, if you don’t reach a negotiated agreement. If you find yourself in an on-the-spot negotiation, ask for any time you need. Say “I’ll get back to you” and continue the negotiation at a time when you are better prepared.

2. Focus on interests, not positions. Once you’ve done your preparation and have entered the negotiation, focus on the reasons why you want what you want. Ask questions and learn as much as possible about where the other side is coming from. Find out what is really important to both of you and steer the conversation in that direction.

3. Put the negotiation into perspective. Think about your long-term goals and the relationship you have with the other party. Don’t just think about winning or you may miss opportunities for growth and connection that can serve you in the long-run.

4. Create options. Use your creativity. Brainstorm a series of ideas and don’t judge them until all are out on the table. Usually there are many different roads to resolution, don’t be afraid to explore them.

5. Don’t lose your cool. Remember that to get respect, you need to give respect. Keep your goals for a successful collaboration in mind at all times.

In the workplace, employees and managers at all levels find themselves in negotiation every day. You negotiate with your boss, your subordinates, your peers, your subcontractors, your labor unions, or your customers. It can be easy or it can be terrifying. Try these tips and remember, don’t negotiate, collaborate!

Mediation in the News

Mediation and other types of collaborative processes including those in the workplace, appear in the news everyday. A recent search turned up several articles that are representative of the kind of collaborative process or mediation that gets press attention. For example, the Voice of America reported that South African President Thabo Mbeki has been facilitating the negotiations between Zimbabwe’s ruling party and the opposition movement, a role a head of state will often play. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was reportedly attempting to act as a mediator to obtain the release of 45 hostages from the Columbian Revolutionary Armed Forces.

Other articles report about government programs. Recently the Iowa Attorney General set up a mediation program employing a non-profit mediation service in Iowa to help renegotiate thousands of loans between farmers and home loan mortgage companies which would otherwise end up in foreclosure.

And, in Hawaii, an article appeared in a publication called The Molokai Dispatch reporting about the benefits of divorce mediation.

Workplace mediation, also appears in the news, but not in a way that the employers want to see. Usually, it’s a labor/management contract negotiation that has reached impasse such as the dispute in Oregon between a school district and a teacher’s union where the teachers have requested the assistance of a mediator.

And there are other times, when an organization probably wishes they had turned to mediation sooner when the matter was less visible, such as when parties turn to mediation to settle discrimination charges filed in court. In Zanesville, Ohio, the newspapers are reporting that residents of a neighborhood called Coal Run are charging the city and county with discrimination in their provision of water services and are now turning to a mediator for assistance in settling the suit.

Usually not reported are the hundreds of mediations occurring in the workplace, which have successfully resolved charges of discrimination or some other kind of unfair treatment. When matters are resolved early and to the satisfaction of the parties through mediation, it is not necessarily a newsworthy event. We, in the mediation community, can be proud of our efforts, which keep employers out of the news, make for more productive working relationships and helps workers feel respected and acknowledged.

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http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/09/11/ap4107366.html

http://www.themolokaidispatch.com/node/1122

http://blog.oregonlive.com/breakingnews/2007/09/tigardtualatin_teachers_union.html

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